Aaagh. GRKLEJKSEKL. D':
I've been feeling pretty okay lately, really good, actually. And why does life decide to crash on me now? Not everything's crashing, exactly. Just all that I love.
Grace feels like starting fresh, moving to a new school. Mideya might permanently move to Florida. Elizabeth wants to move cuz she can't handle everything in this school. I bet Melissa might move too. And they know I can't be alone, I can't! Apparently they don't understand. I thought Elizabeth did but...
No. I'm just being selfish again. For my own selfish needs, yes. I need them, need them all. Or else...I don't know. I don't want to know. If they leave me all alone again, I just know I'll trip over my own two feet, without them there to catch me. I'll just tumbled, tumbled, fall deeper into the darker parts of myself. And life will be all dull, black-and-white like it used to be. I don't want that to happen! I don't want to have to wear long-sleeved shirts everyday, in the SUMMER. I don't want to be depressed again!
Sabrina...:P
She's so...It's like...Wow. x]
I just wouldn't of expected to fall for her the way I did. And it's so weird how I feel around her, like it's not happening, like it's a dream. Like I'm watching myself go through all the motions, not feeling myself do it. I'm not sure if I like it. I wish I could slap myself to wake me up. But then I'm afraid that reality would hurt me. I feel numb...sometimes numb is better.
The thing is, with Sabrina, I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid of rejection, because I know it's not a possibility. We practically share a mind, and I mean this literally. We have the same thoughts, seriously! Same facial expressions. Same odd noises. Same hair, same eye-sight (sorta), same music taste...And so when I do something, like I did today for example intertwining my leg through her's under the table, leaning into her, teasing her on purpose. I don't think about rejection at all. It feels nice. And she doesn't either, apparently. She does what she wants. She bit me today. :3
And she came up behind me while I was sharpening my pencil and placed her arms on either side of me, leaning into me. It feels so nice to know I'm loved like that. To love and be loved in return. It's unlike any other feeling, NOTHING can compare.
Thinking about Sabrina made me feel better. Baha. x]
Okay...I have to fold my clothes now [-.-'] so...bai.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
My Heart Is A Chew Toy
Owww. My heart. Gah, I forgot to post the day that she asked me out. It was...amazing. Like, it was right before school, and I was just checking my MySpace real quick, and I saw her name in my inbox and I was like, "Heee." And then I read her mail and I was like, "HEEEEEE!!!!!" I couldn't even breathe or think or anything! I just knew that she wanted me all of a sudden. And so of course I said yes.
But then...but then...:'(
It's too tragic to even mention. D':
For some reason, I don't know which, she said she thought it wasn't going to work out. She likes being single. I was like, ":O. Okay..."
Honestly, who likes being single? Not meeee. Not Sabrina. I don't think anyone does, except her. If she doesn't want to go out with me, why couldn't she just say it? Because she's afraid of hurting me? I have been hurt waaaay worse, so don't you worry.
The most I did was cry. After she left. If she saw me cry she'd probably die. She looked really hurt from just telling me. I cried when Vivi asked what was wrong. She asked what was wrong and I moaned and covered my face with my arm. She hugged me and rubbed my back 'n stuff, comforting me. But she couldn't mend my heart. Iknowitsoundsemoshaddap.
And then Kelly came by asking what was wrong, and I told her and then I just started to cry. Not sobbing, bawling crying. Just, tears started to slip from my eyes, and I started laughing. I laugh when I don't know what else to do. When she first told me, I refused to believe her, and instead of reacting I just sorta laughed.
Eh, I guess I'm over it now. We can still be friends and all. She was really nice to me this morning, like, "Hiiiii!" in the sweetest voice I've ever heard her speak in. I'm still in love with her, yes. But I can get over the fact she doesn't want me. I can. I shall. I...>.<
Plus, Sabrina...Yeah, I sorta...like her? Again? Dx
I kindasorta asked her out, but not exactly. I just said, "So, ur single, and im single..." And she wrote, "IDK."
But she said she'd kiss me?
At art time?
But guess WHAT? We had this stupid buttface subsititute whom I wanted to smash her fugly face through a window, and she only allowed one at a time to the bathroom. GRRRAH.
Is it wrong when you JUST broke up with your girlfriend to go to someone else right after? It makes me feel like such an ass, but...I mean, Sabrina said she still liked me. And I sorta still like her. And she's there for me and stuff and...
Plus, I really need to teach her how to kiss. xD
But then...but then...:'(
It's too tragic to even mention. D':
For some reason, I don't know which, she said she thought it wasn't going to work out. She likes being single. I was like, ":O. Okay..."
Honestly, who likes being single? Not meeee. Not Sabrina. I don't think anyone does, except her. If she doesn't want to go out with me, why couldn't she just say it? Because she's afraid of hurting me? I have been hurt waaaay worse, so don't you worry.
The most I did was cry. After she left. If she saw me cry she'd probably die. She looked really hurt from just telling me. I cried when Vivi asked what was wrong. She asked what was wrong and I moaned and covered my face with my arm. She hugged me and rubbed my back 'n stuff, comforting me. But she couldn't mend my heart. Iknowitsoundsemoshaddap.
And then Kelly came by asking what was wrong, and I told her and then I just started to cry. Not sobbing, bawling crying. Just, tears started to slip from my eyes, and I started laughing. I laugh when I don't know what else to do. When she first told me, I refused to believe her, and instead of reacting I just sorta laughed.
Eh, I guess I'm over it now. We can still be friends and all. She was really nice to me this morning, like, "Hiiiii!" in the sweetest voice I've ever heard her speak in. I'm still in love with her, yes. But I can get over the fact she doesn't want me. I can. I shall. I...>.<
Plus, Sabrina...Yeah, I sorta...like her? Again? Dx
I kindasorta asked her out, but not exactly. I just said, "So, ur single, and im single..." And she wrote, "IDK."
But she said she'd kiss me?
At art time?
But guess WHAT? We had this stupid buttface subsititute whom I wanted to smash her fugly face through a window, and she only allowed one at a time to the bathroom. GRRRAH.
Is it wrong when you JUST broke up with your girlfriend to go to someone else right after? It makes me feel like such an ass, but...I mean, Sabrina said she still liked me. And I sorta still like her. And she's there for me and stuff and...
Plus, I really need to teach her how to kiss. xD
Saturday, May 2, 2009
You Can't Freaking Fight Desire!
Oh...my...God. Everything is just...wow. And...whoa. M and M, I can't believe that I made that happen. Of course, I didn't make them fall in love, but I made them both realize that they both felt that same.
And Mideya...OMGOMGOMGOMG. The moment I've been wishing for forever finally came true. Yes, my suspicions were correct. Mideya likes me back. And I absolutely, positively, without a doubt love her more than I've loved anyone. She's the sun that shines in my sky, the air that I breathe. She's everything I want and everything I need. I feel I could die without ever seeing her face or hearing her voice again. I love it when she touches me, no matter how brief, or when I see her face or hear her voice. She's the most beautiful person I've ever seen, not the prettiest girl on the world could possibly compare. Her eyes are so warm and beautiful, her face makes my heart stutter, everything about her makes me just...gah. It's so overwhelming and I can't even find a word for it. I just want her. Always. <3
There's the concept of breaking Sabrina's heart, and Maya said there's no fighting desire, she said that Mideya and I were meant to be, you know, soul-mates. Because it always worked out. And maybe it always will. I love her. I love Mideya. I love you.
And Mideya...OMGOMGOMGOMG. The moment I've been wishing for forever finally came true. Yes, my suspicions were correct. Mideya likes me back. And I absolutely, positively, without a doubt love her more than I've loved anyone. She's the sun that shines in my sky, the air that I breathe. She's everything I want and everything I need. I feel I could die without ever seeing her face or hearing her voice again. I love it when she touches me, no matter how brief, or when I see her face or hear her voice. She's the most beautiful person I've ever seen, not the prettiest girl on the world could possibly compare. Her eyes are so warm and beautiful, her face makes my heart stutter, everything about her makes me just...gah. It's so overwhelming and I can't even find a word for it. I just want her. Always. <3
There's the concept of breaking Sabrina's heart, and Maya said there's no fighting desire, she said that Mideya and I were meant to be, you know, soul-mates. Because it always worked out. And maybe it always will. I love her. I love Mideya. I love you.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Tie Your Shoe, Or You'll Trip Too
Oh, lately everything's been so perfect. For me, at least. Sorta. I just don't like thinking about the future, but of course I do it anyways. Whatever. I have now, and now should keep me going until then. Ha. Yes.
Today was actually a great day. Elizabeth + Mideya + Grace + Vivi = LOL. I love those dudes so indescribably much it almost hurts. They are the best thing to ever trip into my world. ;D
Sabrina...<333
She's just...perfect. She's the right amount of love, sweetness, kinkiness...She's just...gah. I'm so glad to call her mine and have her call me hers. It feels like an honor. She makes me feel so sweet, so safe, so loved. A feeling long absent from my heart, it's nice for the flames of it to be lit once again. ^_^
I'm sort of afraid. Of summertime. When Mideya leaves. For putrid Florida. I shouldn't hate it, but I do because it stole Mideya away. :(
And when she leaves again, I'm afraid of how it will affect me. Like a drug Mideya is to me, and if they take her away from me, I'll, you know, go insane or whatever. Withdrawls or something? Yeah. So...can't she stay? Forever? :'(
Having to be away from Mideya like that is like someone telling me not to breathe. I can do it for a bit, but then sooner or later I just can't stand it and I either breathe in or die.
Ehhhh.
Life sucks, but it also rules.
You know, caught in the middle? Between the murderer and the cop?
Or something like that.
Whatever.
...
Why are you still here? xD
I'm bored, you can probably tell. Plus, there's a lot going on recently.
I want to be with Sabrina now, but I can't. Stupid school, no privacy whatsoever. I'm afraid if I don't kiss her soon, she'll think I don't like her and I really do. Damn, now I'm all longing for her touch and everything. Kiss meeeee. D;
Today was actually a great day. Elizabeth + Mideya + Grace + Vivi = LOL. I love those dudes so indescribably much it almost hurts. They are the best thing to ever trip into my world. ;D
Sabrina...<333
She's just...perfect. She's the right amount of love, sweetness, kinkiness...She's just...gah. I'm so glad to call her mine and have her call me hers. It feels like an honor. She makes me feel so sweet, so safe, so loved. A feeling long absent from my heart, it's nice for the flames of it to be lit once again. ^_^
I'm sort of afraid. Of summertime. When Mideya leaves. For putrid Florida. I shouldn't hate it, but I do because it stole Mideya away. :(
And when she leaves again, I'm afraid of how it will affect me. Like a drug Mideya is to me, and if they take her away from me, I'll, you know, go insane or whatever. Withdrawls or something? Yeah. So...can't she stay? Forever? :'(
Having to be away from Mideya like that is like someone telling me not to breathe. I can do it for a bit, but then sooner or later I just can't stand it and I either breathe in or die.
Ehhhh.
Life sucks, but it also rules.
You know, caught in the middle? Between the murderer and the cop?
Or something like that.
Whatever.
...
Why are you still here? xD
I'm bored, you can probably tell. Plus, there's a lot going on recently.
I want to be with Sabrina now, but I can't. Stupid school, no privacy whatsoever. I'm afraid if I don't kiss her soon, she'll think I don't like her and I really do. Damn, now I'm all longing for her touch and everything. Kiss meeeee. D;
Monday, April 20, 2009
Catch Me A Sunset, Please
Vacation, vacation, fun fun fun. xD
I'm so bored. Bored to insanity. I also realised I'm addicted to MySpace. Damn. And my mom thinks I deleted my MySpace. xD
I wish I could have a sleepover or something. With Mideya, or Elizabeth. Or maybe Amber. Eh.
I took new pictures of myself. Again. I just love doing that. Nananananana. Dx
I'm going crazy, I just know it.
BTW: Take Me On The Floor by The Veronicas is an addicting song. I can't stop listening to it.
I want to learn Japanese, but I fail at it so far. D':
So I've decided to make up my own language that sounds like Japanese but is really just some random crap I'm saying really fast. :D
So...OH YEAH. Mideya and I went to the park, and I must say, it's WAYYYY better at night. All the cool teenagers come out. Plus, they were all complimenting Mideya's cool neon green pants and my leopard/zebra print shirt. x]
Mideya and I are totally stupid when we get together. I love it. xD
Yeah, so...there's really nothing more to say.
Except that I had this dream last night, that I was at my old-old house, and Mideya's sister Mariah was there, and she gave me a piece of paper that said in Mideya's handwriting, "There's a tour bus going to Florida near your house. Only takes three hours."
So I started running after the bus, but it left without me. But then I found this path, and then I saw Mideya and she led me up some stairs and into Florida! It was so weird. I thought it was real, too. Then I woke up. :[
I'm so bored. Bored to insanity. I also realised I'm addicted to MySpace. Damn. And my mom thinks I deleted my MySpace. xD
I wish I could have a sleepover or something. With Mideya, or Elizabeth. Or maybe Amber. Eh.
I took new pictures of myself. Again. I just love doing that. Nananananana. Dx
I'm going crazy, I just know it.
BTW: Take Me On The Floor by The Veronicas is an addicting song. I can't stop listening to it.
I want to learn Japanese, but I fail at it so far. D':
So I've decided to make up my own language that sounds like Japanese but is really just some random crap I'm saying really fast. :D
So...OH YEAH. Mideya and I went to the park, and I must say, it's WAYYYY better at night. All the cool teenagers come out. Plus, they were all complimenting Mideya's cool neon green pants and my leopard/zebra print shirt. x]
Mideya and I are totally stupid when we get together. I love it. xD
Yeah, so...there's really nothing more to say.
Except that I had this dream last night, that I was at my old-old house, and Mideya's sister Mariah was there, and she gave me a piece of paper that said in Mideya's handwriting, "There's a tour bus going to Florida near your house. Only takes three hours."
So I started running after the bus, but it left without me. But then I found this path, and then I saw Mideya and she led me up some stairs and into Florida! It was so weird. I thought it was real, too. Then I woke up. :[
Friday, April 17, 2009
My Frisbee Hat Rocksss
Hm...I am feeling...odd. Different. Well, different than I have in a while. Because usually I'm feeling depressed and self-loathing. Right now, I'm feeling pretty okay. There's some delicious scent coming from somewhere and I dunno where it is and I want to find out. It's so sweet smelling.
Today, our lips were inches from each-others, and all I had to do was lean in and...But my heart was pounding, and I felt eyes on me from everywhere even though no one was looking. It makes me nervous, paranoid, but oh so comforted to be that close to her face. And her eyes were just...penetrating. They were so full of...something. I couldn't exactly place it, the look. Something between longing, love...eh.
I'm in a poem-y mood, but I can't find the appropriate place to share my beautiful imaginative mind. xD
gSm doesn't seem to be in a poem-appreciating mood, so...:P
I should've just leaned, just closed the space. Just do it, what's to be afraid of? I honestly have nothing to lose, teachers already hate me, and everyone already knows I like her. So, why not, you know? I was just so afraid for some reason, my heart was pounding and the air didn't go down my throat easily. But I want to kiss her so bad. And I won't be able to go to Roller Kingdom with her, so I wouldn't be able to kiss her there. Damn damn damn this.
Oh, why won't she love me? That's all I really want now, is for her to love me like I'm falling for her. I look at her face and...smile. I smile and blush, I'm sure. And when our eyes meet, this feeling just...bubbles...in me. Oh, how I long for her. To just reach out and touch her, hug her, lean on her. I want her to be mine and no one else's.
Selfish me. Oh-so selfish. But I want her. I want her just...so...much. She has no idea. >.< Today was a fun day. I made Mideya laugh really hard today. Elizabeth was, like, stroking her pizza, so I exclaimed, "What're you doing to that poor thing!?" and then what do you know, milk spurted from Mideya's mouth, and all over my pizza. >:[
But that was okay because I got to see Mideya spit milk everywhere. :D
Today, our lips were inches from each-others, and all I had to do was lean in and...But my heart was pounding, and I felt eyes on me from everywhere even though no one was looking. It makes me nervous, paranoid, but oh so comforted to be that close to her face. And her eyes were just...penetrating. They were so full of...something. I couldn't exactly place it, the look. Something between longing, love...eh.
I'm in a poem-y mood, but I can't find the appropriate place to share my beautiful imaginative mind. xD
gSm doesn't seem to be in a poem-appreciating mood, so...:P
I should've just leaned, just closed the space. Just do it, what's to be afraid of? I honestly have nothing to lose, teachers already hate me, and everyone already knows I like her. So, why not, you know? I was just so afraid for some reason, my heart was pounding and the air didn't go down my throat easily. But I want to kiss her so bad. And I won't be able to go to Roller Kingdom with her, so I wouldn't be able to kiss her there. Damn damn damn this.
Oh, why won't she love me? That's all I really want now, is for her to love me like I'm falling for her. I look at her face and...smile. I smile and blush, I'm sure. And when our eyes meet, this feeling just...bubbles...in me. Oh, how I long for her. To just reach out and touch her, hug her, lean on her. I want her to be mine and no one else's.
Selfish me. Oh-so selfish. But I want her. I want her just...so...much. She has no idea. >.< Today was a fun day. I made Mideya laugh really hard today. Elizabeth was, like, stroking her pizza, so I exclaimed, "What're you doing to that poor thing!?" and then what do you know, milk spurted from Mideya's mouth, and all over my pizza. >:[
But that was okay because I got to see Mideya spit milk everywhere. :D
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
I'm A Civil War
Oh blog, you are like my online diary. Plenty words I can't say nor keep in my head to be typed out onto you. And I really need that.
Okay. A lot of stuff is happening, bad, confusing stuff. All the Sabrina crap, and guess what? Yep, I think I'm falling for her. She never gave me time, hardly three days, to fall for her. And I was getting there! I was. And then there's the other girl, Blank (I don't want to use her name.) Now, I love Blank. I'm in love with her. Almost always have been, since I knew her. Well, note the almost. But now, what if I fall for Sabrina? And what if Blank decides she loves me back? Would I rush off to Blank right away and leave Sabrina broken and hurting? Allow me to answer that...yes, I would. Because I'm terrible. I'm a horrible, disgusting person and yes I would actually break Sabrina that way. But what if it's okay? Because she said to me that she cared, and she'd let me go. But now I think she hates me, well...not hate, but, not like me. Because I make her life so fucking confusing. It's all my fault. My fault she's hurting, she's confused...me me me.
Oh, somebody shoot me. No wait, don't. If I die, I'll never see my friends again. Goddamn it, what the hell is our point in life? What were we made to do? Why roam this stupid Earth anyways? We're all monsters, all of us. We destroy, pollute, dirty. We only hurt and get hurt. Deal pain and receive it. And that's why some people kill themselves.
Some kids kill themselves because they're pathetic fags. But some kids have real reasons. Like...hm, maybe they have wicked back, let's say, depression? Like, extremely bad. That would be a real reason to kill yourself. I'm not saying killing yourself is the answer if you have depression. It's just a better reason than, "My boyfriend broke up with me wah-wah *gunshot*." Noooo. I wouldn't even do that. That's...terrible.
I don't know what to say anymore. There are so many words (mostly swears xD) that I could say that I can't. I don't even know what I'm feeling. Happy? Sad? What the fuck?
I'm just like a civil war, fighting amongst myself. All of my people, battling themselves, killing each-other. And soon, once everyone's dead...then what?
Okay. A lot of stuff is happening, bad, confusing stuff. All the Sabrina crap, and guess what? Yep, I think I'm falling for her. She never gave me time, hardly three days, to fall for her. And I was getting there! I was. And then there's the other girl, Blank (I don't want to use her name.) Now, I love Blank. I'm in love with her. Almost always have been, since I knew her. Well, note the almost. But now, what if I fall for Sabrina? And what if Blank decides she loves me back? Would I rush off to Blank right away and leave Sabrina broken and hurting? Allow me to answer that...yes, I would. Because I'm terrible. I'm a horrible, disgusting person and yes I would actually break Sabrina that way. But what if it's okay? Because she said to me that she cared, and she'd let me go. But now I think she hates me, well...not hate, but, not like me. Because I make her life so fucking confusing. It's all my fault. My fault she's hurting, she's confused...me me me.
Oh, somebody shoot me. No wait, don't. If I die, I'll never see my friends again. Goddamn it, what the hell is our point in life? What were we made to do? Why roam this stupid Earth anyways? We're all monsters, all of us. We destroy, pollute, dirty. We only hurt and get hurt. Deal pain and receive it. And that's why some people kill themselves.
Some kids kill themselves because they're pathetic fags. But some kids have real reasons. Like...hm, maybe they have wicked back, let's say, depression? Like, extremely bad. That would be a real reason to kill yourself. I'm not saying killing yourself is the answer if you have depression. It's just a better reason than, "My boyfriend broke up with me wah-wah *gunshot*." Noooo. I wouldn't even do that. That's...terrible.
I don't know what to say anymore. There are so many words (mostly swears xD) that I could say that I can't. I don't even know what I'm feeling. Happy? Sad? What the fuck?
I'm just like a civil war, fighting amongst myself. All of my people, battling themselves, killing each-other. And soon, once everyone's dead...then what?
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