Oh, lately everything's been so perfect. For me, at least. Sorta. I just don't like thinking about the future, but of course I do it anyways. Whatever. I have now, and now should keep me going until then. Ha. Yes.
Today was actually a great day. Elizabeth + Mideya + Grace + Vivi = LOL. I love those dudes so indescribably much it almost hurts. They are the best thing to ever trip into my world. ;D
Sabrina...<333
She's just...perfect. She's the right amount of love, sweetness, kinkiness...She's just...gah. I'm so glad to call her mine and have her call me hers. It feels like an honor. She makes me feel so sweet, so safe, so loved. A feeling long absent from my heart, it's nice for the flames of it to be lit once again. ^_^
I'm sort of afraid. Of summertime. When Mideya leaves. For putrid Florida. I shouldn't hate it, but I do because it stole Mideya away. :(
And when she leaves again, I'm afraid of how it will affect me. Like a drug Mideya is to me, and if they take her away from me, I'll, you know, go insane or whatever. Withdrawls or something? Yeah. So...can't she stay? Forever? :'(
Having to be away from Mideya like that is like someone telling me not to breathe. I can do it for a bit, but then sooner or later I just can't stand it and I either breathe in or die.
Ehhhh.
Life sucks, but it also rules.
You know, caught in the middle? Between the murderer and the cop?
Or something like that.
Whatever.
...
Why are you still here? xD
I'm bored, you can probably tell. Plus, there's a lot going on recently.
I want to be with Sabrina now, but I can't. Stupid school, no privacy whatsoever. I'm afraid if I don't kiss her soon, she'll think I don't like her and I really do. Damn, now I'm all longing for her touch and everything. Kiss meeeee. D;
Monday, April 27, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Catch Me A Sunset, Please
Vacation, vacation, fun fun fun. xD
I'm so bored. Bored to insanity. I also realised I'm addicted to MySpace. Damn. And my mom thinks I deleted my MySpace. xD
I wish I could have a sleepover or something. With Mideya, or Elizabeth. Or maybe Amber. Eh.
I took new pictures of myself. Again. I just love doing that. Nananananana. Dx
I'm going crazy, I just know it.
BTW: Take Me On The Floor by The Veronicas is an addicting song. I can't stop listening to it.
I want to learn Japanese, but I fail at it so far. D':
So I've decided to make up my own language that sounds like Japanese but is really just some random crap I'm saying really fast. :D
So...OH YEAH. Mideya and I went to the park, and I must say, it's WAYYYY better at night. All the cool teenagers come out. Plus, they were all complimenting Mideya's cool neon green pants and my leopard/zebra print shirt. x]
Mideya and I are totally stupid when we get together. I love it. xD
Yeah, so...there's really nothing more to say.
Except that I had this dream last night, that I was at my old-old house, and Mideya's sister Mariah was there, and she gave me a piece of paper that said in Mideya's handwriting, "There's a tour bus going to Florida near your house. Only takes three hours."
So I started running after the bus, but it left without me. But then I found this path, and then I saw Mideya and she led me up some stairs and into Florida! It was so weird. I thought it was real, too. Then I woke up. :[
I'm so bored. Bored to insanity. I also realised I'm addicted to MySpace. Damn. And my mom thinks I deleted my MySpace. xD
I wish I could have a sleepover or something. With Mideya, or Elizabeth. Or maybe Amber. Eh.
I took new pictures of myself. Again. I just love doing that. Nananananana. Dx
I'm going crazy, I just know it.
BTW: Take Me On The Floor by The Veronicas is an addicting song. I can't stop listening to it.
I want to learn Japanese, but I fail at it so far. D':
So I've decided to make up my own language that sounds like Japanese but is really just some random crap I'm saying really fast. :D
So...OH YEAH. Mideya and I went to the park, and I must say, it's WAYYYY better at night. All the cool teenagers come out. Plus, they were all complimenting Mideya's cool neon green pants and my leopard/zebra print shirt. x]
Mideya and I are totally stupid when we get together. I love it. xD
Yeah, so...there's really nothing more to say.
Except that I had this dream last night, that I was at my old-old house, and Mideya's sister Mariah was there, and she gave me a piece of paper that said in Mideya's handwriting, "There's a tour bus going to Florida near your house. Only takes three hours."
So I started running after the bus, but it left without me. But then I found this path, and then I saw Mideya and she led me up some stairs and into Florida! It was so weird. I thought it was real, too. Then I woke up. :[
Friday, April 17, 2009
My Frisbee Hat Rocksss
Hm...I am feeling...odd. Different. Well, different than I have in a while. Because usually I'm feeling depressed and self-loathing. Right now, I'm feeling pretty okay. There's some delicious scent coming from somewhere and I dunno where it is and I want to find out. It's so sweet smelling.
Today, our lips were inches from each-others, and all I had to do was lean in and...But my heart was pounding, and I felt eyes on me from everywhere even though no one was looking. It makes me nervous, paranoid, but oh so comforted to be that close to her face. And her eyes were just...penetrating. They were so full of...something. I couldn't exactly place it, the look. Something between longing, love...eh.
I'm in a poem-y mood, but I can't find the appropriate place to share my beautiful imaginative mind. xD
gSm doesn't seem to be in a poem-appreciating mood, so...:P
I should've just leaned, just closed the space. Just do it, what's to be afraid of? I honestly have nothing to lose, teachers already hate me, and everyone already knows I like her. So, why not, you know? I was just so afraid for some reason, my heart was pounding and the air didn't go down my throat easily. But I want to kiss her so bad. And I won't be able to go to Roller Kingdom with her, so I wouldn't be able to kiss her there. Damn damn damn this.
Oh, why won't she love me? That's all I really want now, is for her to love me like I'm falling for her. I look at her face and...smile. I smile and blush, I'm sure. And when our eyes meet, this feeling just...bubbles...in me. Oh, how I long for her. To just reach out and touch her, hug her, lean on her. I want her to be mine and no one else's.
Selfish me. Oh-so selfish. But I want her. I want her just...so...much. She has no idea. >.< Today was a fun day. I made Mideya laugh really hard today. Elizabeth was, like, stroking her pizza, so I exclaimed, "What're you doing to that poor thing!?" and then what do you know, milk spurted from Mideya's mouth, and all over my pizza. >:[
But that was okay because I got to see Mideya spit milk everywhere. :D
Today, our lips were inches from each-others, and all I had to do was lean in and...But my heart was pounding, and I felt eyes on me from everywhere even though no one was looking. It makes me nervous, paranoid, but oh so comforted to be that close to her face. And her eyes were just...penetrating. They were so full of...something. I couldn't exactly place it, the look. Something between longing, love...eh.
I'm in a poem-y mood, but I can't find the appropriate place to share my beautiful imaginative mind. xD
gSm doesn't seem to be in a poem-appreciating mood, so...:P
I should've just leaned, just closed the space. Just do it, what's to be afraid of? I honestly have nothing to lose, teachers already hate me, and everyone already knows I like her. So, why not, you know? I was just so afraid for some reason, my heart was pounding and the air didn't go down my throat easily. But I want to kiss her so bad. And I won't be able to go to Roller Kingdom with her, so I wouldn't be able to kiss her there. Damn damn damn this.
Oh, why won't she love me? That's all I really want now, is for her to love me like I'm falling for her. I look at her face and...smile. I smile and blush, I'm sure. And when our eyes meet, this feeling just...bubbles...in me. Oh, how I long for her. To just reach out and touch her, hug her, lean on her. I want her to be mine and no one else's.
Selfish me. Oh-so selfish. But I want her. I want her just...so...much. She has no idea. >.< Today was a fun day. I made Mideya laugh really hard today. Elizabeth was, like, stroking her pizza, so I exclaimed, "What're you doing to that poor thing!?" and then what do you know, milk spurted from Mideya's mouth, and all over my pizza. >:[
But that was okay because I got to see Mideya spit milk everywhere. :D
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
I'm A Civil War
Oh blog, you are like my online diary. Plenty words I can't say nor keep in my head to be typed out onto you. And I really need that.
Okay. A lot of stuff is happening, bad, confusing stuff. All the Sabrina crap, and guess what? Yep, I think I'm falling for her. She never gave me time, hardly three days, to fall for her. And I was getting there! I was. And then there's the other girl, Blank (I don't want to use her name.) Now, I love Blank. I'm in love with her. Almost always have been, since I knew her. Well, note the almost. But now, what if I fall for Sabrina? And what if Blank decides she loves me back? Would I rush off to Blank right away and leave Sabrina broken and hurting? Allow me to answer that...yes, I would. Because I'm terrible. I'm a horrible, disgusting person and yes I would actually break Sabrina that way. But what if it's okay? Because she said to me that she cared, and she'd let me go. But now I think she hates me, well...not hate, but, not like me. Because I make her life so fucking confusing. It's all my fault. My fault she's hurting, she's confused...me me me.
Oh, somebody shoot me. No wait, don't. If I die, I'll never see my friends again. Goddamn it, what the hell is our point in life? What were we made to do? Why roam this stupid Earth anyways? We're all monsters, all of us. We destroy, pollute, dirty. We only hurt and get hurt. Deal pain and receive it. And that's why some people kill themselves.
Some kids kill themselves because they're pathetic fags. But some kids have real reasons. Like...hm, maybe they have wicked back, let's say, depression? Like, extremely bad. That would be a real reason to kill yourself. I'm not saying killing yourself is the answer if you have depression. It's just a better reason than, "My boyfriend broke up with me wah-wah *gunshot*." Noooo. I wouldn't even do that. That's...terrible.
I don't know what to say anymore. There are so many words (mostly swears xD) that I could say that I can't. I don't even know what I'm feeling. Happy? Sad? What the fuck?
I'm just like a civil war, fighting amongst myself. All of my people, battling themselves, killing each-other. And soon, once everyone's dead...then what?
Okay. A lot of stuff is happening, bad, confusing stuff. All the Sabrina crap, and guess what? Yep, I think I'm falling for her. She never gave me time, hardly three days, to fall for her. And I was getting there! I was. And then there's the other girl, Blank (I don't want to use her name.) Now, I love Blank. I'm in love with her. Almost always have been, since I knew her. Well, note the almost. But now, what if I fall for Sabrina? And what if Blank decides she loves me back? Would I rush off to Blank right away and leave Sabrina broken and hurting? Allow me to answer that...yes, I would. Because I'm terrible. I'm a horrible, disgusting person and yes I would actually break Sabrina that way. But what if it's okay? Because she said to me that she cared, and she'd let me go. But now I think she hates me, well...not hate, but, not like me. Because I make her life so fucking confusing. It's all my fault. My fault she's hurting, she's confused...me me me.
Oh, somebody shoot me. No wait, don't. If I die, I'll never see my friends again. Goddamn it, what the hell is our point in life? What were we made to do? Why roam this stupid Earth anyways? We're all monsters, all of us. We destroy, pollute, dirty. We only hurt and get hurt. Deal pain and receive it. And that's why some people kill themselves.
Some kids kill themselves because they're pathetic fags. But some kids have real reasons. Like...hm, maybe they have wicked back, let's say, depression? Like, extremely bad. That would be a real reason to kill yourself. I'm not saying killing yourself is the answer if you have depression. It's just a better reason than, "My boyfriend broke up with me wah-wah *gunshot*." Noooo. I wouldn't even do that. That's...terrible.
I don't know what to say anymore. There are so many words (mostly swears xD) that I could say that I can't. I don't even know what I'm feeling. Happy? Sad? What the fuck?
I'm just like a civil war, fighting amongst myself. All of my people, battling themselves, killing each-other. And soon, once everyone's dead...then what?
Monday, April 13, 2009
I'm Crowded, but Lonely
If that makes sense. It makes sense to me...Okay, 2+2= ♣ would make sense to me, but, come on. I mean...well, I mean I'm crowded because I have a lot of friends, all these funny, wonderful buddies, but I'm lonely because it feels like all these funny, wonderful buddies hold no love for me.
Love is what keeps us alive here, haven't you noticed? She's what keeps me going all the days. If I die, I can only think about how I would be leaving her, forever until she dies too. And who knows, maybe when she dies too, nothing will happen. We'll be apart forever. Or...whatever happens when we die. Which brings me to:
What happens when we die? I wish, oh God do I wish, that we could answer this question. I believe in reincarnation, I believe in ghosts, angels...supernatural stuff. Yes, call me crazy but...Whatever. And I want to know that, if I was to kill myself, say, tomorrow? Would I have to wait the whole forever until my friends die that I could see them again? Would they be old and wrinkly, or just like I remembered them? Would I be old and wrinkly? Or would I not see them at all? What happens? What happens? TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME. D:
Sometimes I amaze myself. I'm not saying this vainly, I'm saying it like, sometimes my mind works like that of a scientist, or an adult. Sometimes it's easy to forget I'm only 12. For other people too. On gSm, people always talk to me, then later I tell them my age and they go, "WHAT REALLY HUH I THOUGHT YOU WERE LIKE 15!" I love it, honestly, I do. But sometimes it can be a pain. Like, sometimes I think way ahead of my age, and when I feel like telling people how I feel, no one understands. No one ever understands. Because I'm...too...old. I feel like an adult stuck in the body of a 6th grader. How do I get out?
Vent, vent, vent. I love venting my feelings, I just love it. No matter how whiny it makes me sound. I love how it lifts weight off my shoulders, all of that. But my mind, my venting, only gets me thinking about all of this crap some more. I just don't...ugh.
My mind. I wish someone could tell me what's wrong with it.
We have that kind of technology, don't we? I know we do. So why can't I get access to it?
I'm (in)capable to everything. What do I do?
Love is what keeps us alive here, haven't you noticed? She's what keeps me going all the days. If I die, I can only think about how I would be leaving her, forever until she dies too. And who knows, maybe when she dies too, nothing will happen. We'll be apart forever. Or...whatever happens when we die. Which brings me to:
What happens when we die? I wish, oh God do I wish, that we could answer this question. I believe in reincarnation, I believe in ghosts, angels...supernatural stuff. Yes, call me crazy but...Whatever. And I want to know that, if I was to kill myself, say, tomorrow? Would I have to wait the whole forever until my friends die that I could see them again? Would they be old and wrinkly, or just like I remembered them? Would I be old and wrinkly? Or would I not see them at all? What happens? What happens? TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME. D:
Sometimes I amaze myself. I'm not saying this vainly, I'm saying it like, sometimes my mind works like that of a scientist, or an adult. Sometimes it's easy to forget I'm only 12. For other people too. On gSm, people always talk to me, then later I tell them my age and they go, "WHAT REALLY HUH I THOUGHT YOU WERE LIKE 15!" I love it, honestly, I do. But sometimes it can be a pain. Like, sometimes I think way ahead of my age, and when I feel like telling people how I feel, no one understands. No one ever understands. Because I'm...too...old. I feel like an adult stuck in the body of a 6th grader. How do I get out?
Vent, vent, vent. I love venting my feelings, I just love it. No matter how whiny it makes me sound. I love how it lifts weight off my shoulders, all of that. But my mind, my venting, only gets me thinking about all of this crap some more. I just don't...ugh.
My mind. I wish someone could tell me what's wrong with it.
We have that kind of technology, don't we? I know we do. So why can't I get access to it?
I'm (in)capable to everything. What do I do?
Why?
I don't get it sometimes.
Love, I mean.
It hurts, so much, it hurts.
And for what?
This. This...heart-break. Pining after them, getting them, then losing them. Then you break to pieces inside. Yep, it's all inside. You could lose 20 pounds, gain 20 pounds, rip all your hair out, cut your wrists...that's physical crap, but love and the pain that follows is all in your mind. So how can we prevent it?
...
We can't, can we? We have no control over our own minds? Our brains our inside ourselves, us, they're ours. So why can't we be in control of them?
I love you. I love you I love you I love you. And I probably will love you until, well, I stop loving you. And they all said, they always say and probably always will until I'm 18, that I'm too young to be in love. Um, excuse me? Like I said above, isn't it my heart, myself? My feelings, mine, mine. Not yours. So how do you know?
Oh, how badly I want her. I can fool myself all day long, dream of it, pretend like a kindergartner playing house, and know it'll never happen. I know this, so at least I still have my reality in check, too. What I'm afraid of is that that'll slip away into some oblivion, and I'll never see reality, never know if she does want me or if I'm really just pretending again. Is it all a dream? Maybe she never moved back at all. Maybe she's still in Florida, with a boyfriend and friends and she's happy and she's forgotten all about me.
And here I am, stuck, wondering about all this.
Why does my brain have to race ahead of everyone else's? Why can't I just be a stupid 6th grader, with a small mind that no one expects greatness from?
Why?
Love, I mean.
It hurts, so much, it hurts.
And for what?
This. This...heart-break. Pining after them, getting them, then losing them. Then you break to pieces inside. Yep, it's all inside. You could lose 20 pounds, gain 20 pounds, rip all your hair out, cut your wrists...that's physical crap, but love and the pain that follows is all in your mind. So how can we prevent it?
...
We can't, can we? We have no control over our own minds? Our brains our inside ourselves, us, they're ours. So why can't we be in control of them?
I love you. I love you I love you I love you. And I probably will love you until, well, I stop loving you. And they all said, they always say and probably always will until I'm 18, that I'm too young to be in love. Um, excuse me? Like I said above, isn't it my heart, myself? My feelings, mine, mine. Not yours. So how do you know?
Oh, how badly I want her. I can fool myself all day long, dream of it, pretend like a kindergartner playing house, and know it'll never happen. I know this, so at least I still have my reality in check, too. What I'm afraid of is that that'll slip away into some oblivion, and I'll never see reality, never know if she does want me or if I'm really just pretending again. Is it all a dream? Maybe she never moved back at all. Maybe she's still in Florida, with a boyfriend and friends and she's happy and she's forgotten all about me.
And here I am, stuck, wondering about all this.
Why does my brain have to race ahead of everyone else's? Why can't I just be a stupid 6th grader, with a small mind that no one expects greatness from?
Why?
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